Pay It Forward/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW Seems like everywhere you go lately you see more and more of these bobble head dolls. Oh, sure, it was fine with hockey players and baseball players and important guys like that. But now that everybody's trying to make a quick buck, this thing has really gotten outta control. On the other hand they do make a nice gift. Of course, like any good handyman, I like to take existing ideas and make them bigger, better and potentially more disturbing. A lot of people, you know, carry these mannequins around in their car to discourage stalkers. Also lets them use the car pool lane. But I'm thinkin' we could make this unit a lot more life like by using an old car spring to turn this baby into a full-size bobble head. Let's hope nobody just tuned in. I'm a pretty good driver, aren't I? [ cheers and applause ] wow! Thank you very much. Thank you. Appreciate it. Big, big week up at the lodge this week. This is our annual softball tournament. We've got a pretty good team this year... Buster hadfield is shortstop; moose thompson is wide stop; and old man sedgwick is third base -- he's not playing third base, he is third base. Uncle red, we've got a problem. Just a second. Grab the bat. Right there on the table. Now, think fast. Go for it. Wow! A digger, huh? Yeah, baseball's not my sport. Yeah, I would imagine your "not my sport" list is pretty extensive. I'm not sports oriented. I'm not sports oriented. Those who can do; those who can't ump. You know what our problem is though? Hardly any guys on our team can afford the $20 entry fee. Oh, I know that. That's because the government cut off all their unemployment cheques. They do that if you don't have any work for a while, see? The only way to get paid for doin' nothing ever is to actually work for the government. Well, it's a shame the team won't have any representation at the tournament this year. Is there anything I can do? Not usually. You know, if the guys could find work even for a week, see, that would trigger their pogey to start up again. I heard down at the amusement park they're hiring people to hose off the whirl 'n' hurl. We don't need real jobs. We just need fake jobs, you know, like, one guy could get the second guy to do something, and then pretend to pay him. And then the third guy could do work for the second guy, and the fourth guy for the third guy, and eventually the money would come all the way around. Okay, but where does that money come from? Well, that's a great idea. You could lend it to us. Yeah. Me!? Well, you just asked me if there was anything you could do. And you'll get the money back, harold. I will, yeah? Yeah, yeah. Okay, well, all right. If you say so. Then okay, all right. You know what, though? I just don't see it. Oh, harold. Harold, you know, of course, you don't see it. You're an umpire. It's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] today's prize is this coupon for a shampoo and hairstyle from the exclusive hair salon fabio of port asbestos. If you're bald, he'll do your dog. Okay, cover your ears, dalton. Red, you've got 30 seconds to get dalton to say this word... Yeah, all right, winston. And... Go! Uh, all right, dalton, you see a guy, he's got a glazed look on his face he's been a victim of this. Too many doughnuts. No, no, okay. No. No. Um, this is like an obsession, something about a person that means you can't stop thinking about them. They owe me money. No, okay. No. No. This is something that really holds your interest. A bank. No, dalton. Get off that, okay. This is personal, okay, like something really special about a girl. I mean, she may not be the most beautiful woman in the world, but you know she can... Afford to pay for dinner. Uh, red, you're almost outta time. I know. I know. Okay, dalton, remember back in high school bernice broke up with me? I was real sad. I put on about 40 pounds. That's because she had this power over me. Power? Come on, red! That's because of all the salt and fat you ate. There we go! This is the repair shop part of the show we call, if it ain't broke you're not trying. Joining me today is local demolition expert and explosives enthusiast, edgar montrose. What have you got for us today, edgar? Oh, never on an empty stomach, red. But that's not why I'm here. I'm having trouble getting these jars open. Well, I'll give it a try. Why do you want the lids off anyway, edgar? Well, I got a hot date tonight, and I think one of these jars definitely has mouthwash in it. Yeah, and what's in the other one? Nitroglycerin. Well, quit jumpin' around, red. You're makin' me nervous. I still need the mouthwash. I got a date in 10 minutes. Okay, yeah, you wrap your hands around the jar, okay. Hold her real solid, okay. It might help if that finger wasn't missing. Oh, it's not missing, red. I know exactly where it is. It's up at the quarry, still pointing at the no smoking sign. Okay, there you go. Check that. Ewie-pewie! That's the nitro! All right -- no, no! Put her down toward the edge -- not too close to the edge. Just put her down over there. Okay, that's good. Okay. Okay, now I'll just pop this one open for you. We should be good. There you go. Everybody can breathe easier now. Ah, thanks, red. Bottoms up. [ gulping ] good idea. What? What? Well, I guess they're both nitro. Well, edgar, you better cancel that date. Oh, no. Women like hot men, red. Or is that "red hot men"? Wait'll she sees this... You know, when you look back over the history of man since the beginning of time, you see an evolution from a pathetic creature who spent most of his time on all fours -- sometimes called a husband, to a homo erectus, which is latin, but still scares me. And finally to the ultimate stage of a middle aged man's development... Full recline. This is the perfect position for a man to watch television or read the newspaper, or receive his behaviour modification therapy. It's well known. We've all heard of the 'recline' of the american empire. Well, if full recline is the perfect position for the middle aged man, doesn't it make sense to allow him to be in that position as often as possible? Not just for things he does once a year, like go to church, or to work. I'm talking about reclining on a daily basis, like when you're driving your car. I could reach the pedals from the prone position, so I didn't need to do anything about those, but I figure I may need to steer at some point. So I took the drive assembly off this ten speed bike... Added some chain to her, and made myself a remote steering wheel. Thanks to the simple technology of chain and sprockets, I can now drive flat out. Big wheel keep on turning, rubber just a-keeps on burning. And if my arms get tired from driving straight, like, say, going across saskatchewan, I just put her in cruise control. Now, of course, seein' where you're going is almost as important as being comfortable. So I need to look up through the roof. It would be helpful if this car had a sunroof, but I'm not gonna complain about that. When I look around at all the riches that I do have -- [ siren blaring ] okay, thanks. Thanks very much. Yeah, I got a tip for you... You know there's some type of foam insulation in the roof of a car, and it's very flammable. A lot of you may not know that. Okay, I mounted a full-length mirror at just the right angle so that I'll be able to see the road while I'm lying down. This mirror is actually mounted on our bathroom door, so I just took the whole thing. Of course, now with no bathroom door that means we can't have company. So it's a win-win. Some of you probably already realise that that mirror is gonna make things look upside down to me. You see, that's the same thing that happens with binocular lenses. So what I did was I took the lenses out of this, made myself a pair of glasses that'll make the reflection right side up. I'm a lot smarter than I look. Okay, don't put the glasses on until you're actually driving the car. You'll get a real bad headache. So remember: If the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Okay, time to prove that a la-z-boy is not just a chair, it's a way of life. I read in the paper that more and more men are taking off all of their body hair... With razors, lasers and, yes, even duct tape. Let me just say this about that... Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! And apparently some guys are even having the bikini waxing so they can wear a thong. Audience: Ewwww! Please don't do that. No guy looks good in a thong. Don't wear one and especially don't shave to do it. Men, god gave you body hair to hide the ugly parts. It's really his way of saying, yikes! So don't go against that whole thing. Keep the body hair. Go one step farther... Wear clothes, lots of clothes. The more clothes you have on, the more attractive you are. That's actually true with 99% of people. That's why the birthrate is so low at nudists camps. Don't take my word for it. Go ahead, ask your wife. She'll tell you. She wants you to wear as many clothes as possible, as often as possible, and the only thing she wants you to shave is your face. And it's not just because she's the one who has to clean out the bathtub. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. [ applause ] if you eat something, set it free. If it comes back to you, call me. Well, our fake-work/make-work project is going great. Mike just has to pay me for pretending to stack his firewood, then we're done. See, I got the 200 bucks from harold, and then I hired junior singleton to give me stock market investment advice, which was, don't. Then he hired stinky to do a little feng shui around his outhouse. And then stinky hired buster to pretend to be a male escort. And then buster paid mike not to rob him. So... Uncle red, I need that $200 back now. Well, no, not yet, harold, because actually when I get that money we need that to pay our entrance fee into the softball tournament. Okay, but when do I get my money? Well, you know, it's gonna be a while, because the guys are all going down to the government office this afternoon. They're gonna report their recent employment. Then that's gonna trigger the benefits to start up again. So it's -- it's actually, harold, a little complicated. Don't try to understand it. Oh, here we go now. Mike, you got my 200 bucks for me? Well, yeah, I'd like to pay you, mr. Green, but I just had a look at the wood pile, and I'm not happy. Well, don't look at it. Just give me the money, will you? An honest day's pay for an honest day's work. Shame on you, mr. Green. It was fake work, mike! I was just pretending to stack the firewood. Well, fine, I'll just pretend to pay you. I got an idea. I got an idea. Since it's my money anyway, why don't you just give it to me, and I'll be happy to stack your wood, mike. Okay! You see, that's what friends do. It's pretty complicated, uncle red. Don't try to understand it. [ applause and cheers ] red: Bill and walter were having a game of foosball out behind the lodge. Not the kind of game I like. I like to something more active. These feel like -- almost like video games. I tried to take part in it, but... Walter's very defensive, and thought maybe I'd join -- they don't like you to join, these two, so I'm just standing there watching. And what am I supposed to do? Watch? That's no fun. So, uh, they come over to see if I'm okay, I thought. But it was really just to retrieve the ball. But, uh, yeah, it didn't hurt that bad, so I figured one more -- no. All right, but I'm a quick learner. Um, give 'em a little -- a little gap never hurt anybody. Now, walter, he's athletic, and he's young, and he's got the quick moves. He's got the feet going. Got everything going. Uh, bill is, uh -- what can I say that's not insensitive. Uh, yeah, that really says it for me. And bill got his clothes caught in the -- and walter's not noticing as he spins that handle. Startin' to -- bill's trying to get -- get himself unhooked from that. And then he starts to have other problems. His pant leg gets caught in there and then -- oh! Boy, that is -- that has gotta -- and walter is just in his own world there, really. Oh, boy, that can't be good. So I'm pointing out to walter we got a problem here. And bill's really jammed up good. So I figure if I turn this one counterclockwise, and that'll -- just a little bit... No! No! That's not gonna -- okay, now, walter figures, it's the third one over. With a good hard clockwise spin and he's -- okay, yeah. No -- I think we're gettin' it. We're gettin' it. We're gettin' it. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! And I think -- yeah. Yeah, we got him. Good. All right, now, what happened was bill gets up, and it turns out the whole thing was a ruse. He was just faking it, because he had a move in mind that comes right about now. Scores the winning goal, gets into the big celebratory dance, but like so often in life, you don't always have the last laugh when you expect it. Oh! [ red chuckles ] bernice went out and bought one of these fancy stainless steel fridges. Oh, I know they look great from a distance, but who wants to be lookin' at their reflection as they're reaching for a cold bowl of gravy? Fortunately, I have two things at my disposal... A screwdriver and my imagination. And they're about the same size. Ever been to those fun houses? Remember how they had those magic mirrors that make you look skinny? Well, those mirrors are kind of like magicians. They're not actually magic, they're just a little bent. [ applause ] ladies and gentlemen, we interrupt the red green show so that I may bring you the following important environmental message. Greetings, campers. Ranger gord here with another one of my patented... Say, now, here's a bucolic scene. A couple of amateur orthodontists out for a leisurely afternoon of bird-watching. Ohh! Keep your voice down, ranger gord. We're watching those woodpeckers up there. Gord: Hm-mm, well, fine specimens too. But unfortunately, what you birdbrain bird watchers don't know is that when a woodpecker senses an intruder he's liable to feel threatened. That's why it's always safer to disguise yourself as a tree or a shrubbery. Here we go. There. All safe now, mr. And mrs. Woodpecker. Ranger gord: Oops, I forgot. There's nothing woodpeckers love more than dead wood. [ laughing ] you didn't have to say anything, harold. We were doing okay. You weren't telling the truth. When is that okay? Man, I wish you were married. Don't give me that. Lying is never right. Those are the rules. So anyway, we go down to the government office to get the guys' unemployment insurance reinstated, and reported that each one of them had just had $200 in gainful employment, see? Which is not true. Well, so what, okay? But here's what they said... They can't collect any of the pogey until they pay, each one of them, 50 bucks in income tax and another four bucks in u.I.C. Which is true! This great country of ours cannot continue to survive if each and every person is not willing to pay their fair share. I can't believe you still have all those teeth. But, see, our ace in the hole was we had never identified ourselves. We were just gonna walk out scot free. But, oh no! George washington here has to jump out of the cherry tree and gives 'em all our names and addresses. It's the way I saw it, so I called it. Well, it was the wrong call. It was the right call! It was a stupid, stinkin', wrong call. You watch yourself, mister! If they took all the stupid, stinkin' wrong calls in the history of stupid, stinkin' wrong calls and put 'em in a stinkin' pile and it was stinkin', you could still smell your stinkin' call! That's it! You're outta here! [ applause ] [ possum squealing ] I'm just kiddin' you, harold. It's meeting time. Everybody's outta here. Yeah. Yeah. Just kiddin' you. Just kiddin' you. Yeah, you good? You good? [ chuckling ] [ stops ] so if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. I had no runs, no hits, couple of errors, but I'm still hopin' to get home on a fielder's choice. Might even go into extra innings, but I doubt it. And to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of harold and myself and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheers and applause ] dalton: Have a seat. There we go. Mike: All rise! Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. Bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess. Well, guys, we are officially out of the softball tournament, and, uh, I think this is a time for us to show a little maturity. Restrain ourselves. Grow up a little bit. Suck it up. Don't worry about it. It's no big deal. Nobody's fault. All is forgiven. That kind of thing. Just let it -- just let it go. It was such a stupid call. You're outta here! Closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com